I will do anything to end homelessness except build housing…

mcsweeneysThe variety of ways in which we prevent ourselves from fixing the housing crisis is astounding.

Homelessness in America has reached crisis levels and I am determined to do everything in my power to fix the problem as long as it doesn’t involve changing zoning laws or my ability to drive alone to work or, well, changing anything, really. I’m more than happy to give a hungry man a sandwich once a year and then brag to my friends about it as long as he doesn’t sit down anywhere in my line of sight to eat it. Same goes for hungry women because I’m also a feminist.

This is so important because everyone should have a bed to sleep in at night and also nothing destroys property values faster than a desperate person on a sidewalk asking for change. I’m not saying I don’t care about human suffering, I just care much, much more about my immediate self-interest because I’m the kind of person who contributes to society by starting companies that leverage technology to build smart tea kettles that brew themselves while you sleep at night. I’m a fucking innovator.


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